confessionsofaV

And I am freaking myself out with information that has not even happened yet.

As I have just found all this info on Hong Kong…

http://www.timeout.com/travel/features/1147/48-hours-in-hong-kong

http://www.hongkongartfair.com/

Oy vey- but how to get a job in digital media or tech as an American!? Oy!

Codename: Pilot

Website: Skout.com

Location: Skype

I was beginning to doubt whether Pilot really liked me at all or if it was just a sexual interest. But now I am beginning to wonder if he is looking to impregnate some unsuspecting girl and make them be a stay at home mom in Hong Kong!

I am sure this is all just one big exaggeration on my part but as I began to investigate his airline, the realities of this whole thing became very real.

He is not scheduled for any flights even near California in the near future. He has no control over his routes. He is very literally based in Hong Kong, I have no idea if he is of South African nationality or Australian nationality which mean exactly what you think it means. It means that even if I could figure out a way to work this out, to get to know him, or whatever crazy idea I have in my head of making it work that IF we got married, the obvious solution would be for ME to move to HONG KONG. I am not even sure if he could be based in the United States. Australia and the UK would so not be a problem for me to relocate- but Hong Kong?

Shit.

I’ve never even been to Hong Kong. The only time I thought of going there is if I could find a t-shirt manufacturer to sell cool t-shirts and even though I am in CAREER CRISIS right now and just interviewed up in San Francisco for some Tech job and am leaving the ugly culture of Entertainment behind while still trying to keep the ties in Media I made after so many years of work - it doesn’t mean I am ready to pack my ambitions in and give the fuck up!

Then he expressed that he would want the mother of his children to stay at home with the child.

What?!

Forever?!

OMG?!

I mean for the first months of the child’s life you get a leave. But I could never want to be a stay at home mom FOREVER. I am a worker. With Ambition. Even if my writing never came to fruition - I would want to have a career where I made money and showed up to work everyday. Even now after a month being in limbo - it freaks me out. I hate it. I could never do it. My mom wasn’t like that - and neither am I.

Even though you can work in Hong Kong- I’ve never been and don’t know if I could ever want to raise children there with my family in California and Puerto Rico. How unfair.

And then I look at this individual. This man. Who told me it would suck that he couldn’t go to L.A. and when I asked why does it suck, he replied, “Because then I can’t see you.” He doesn’t have other women in different cities. He is completely earnest.

I really could marry this person. I don’t know every single reason why, although I have that inkling.

Why is it the ones that I could love never come with the simple option that makes a relationship work? Why are all the ones that could work are the ones that never match?

I saw my therapist the other day and even though she made a face when I mentioned the pilot based in Hong Kong which is obviously not a clear and viable choice for a relationship, she asked, “Ok, you’re on your deathbed…” and I said, “My regret would be not having a family.”

Now is this the one I should have the family with? I’m not sure even though there is something between us. I know I could marry and have children with him - but at the cost of giving up… well everything?

What the hell would I do for work in Hong Kong?! They have bad air pollution. Just because he flies for a living wouldn’t mean I could jet set all the time out of the country? What about friends and family? Would I even like Hong Kong? Can I raise my kids there? Would I want to?

I can’t be a stay at home mom. I can only do the stay at home thing for so long. I don’t want my kids raised by a nanny- but daycare and nannies are a part of the whole thing - and I do need to work, not just for money but for purpose.

Totally freaked out right now.

But good news- no matter what happens with the Tech job, I am going to make the move to SF. I just have to figure that out….

Codename: Pilot

Website: Skout.com

Location: Hilton/Getty/Santa Monica

When you meet someone special… you know it right away.

In any normal circumstances, I would never have met Pilot. He is South African, emmigrated to Australia and flies for a major international airline.

He also… is based in Hong Kong.

I know.

What would any 31 year old, good looking, accent toting pilot do but go to cities with hot looking girls and line them up for a good time during his less than 48 hour window?

Why would anyone look for a relationship with a woman over 7,000 miles away? Simply because he’s not into Asian women?

Originally I was supposed to meet Pilot for coffee in December. I ended up having to cancel because he was going to fly out that evening and I had a family situation.

But then he suggested we meet on New Year’s Eve. Now normally, I don’t do holiday first dates. What if the date is terrible? That’s a lot of pressure. But we had written back and forth and I knew I wanted to meet him in person.

When he finally opened the door to his hotel room at the Hilton, the attraction was immediate. He was far more handsome than any of his photos. 

I felt so at ease. Like I didn’t need to push. Didn’t need to prove anything.

I took him to the Getty near sunset. It seemed he liked it. When I turned to look at a painting, he touched the base of my spine, on the zipper of my blouse and asked, “Is this a dress?”

I smiled.

As we left, he reached for my hand.

I can barely remember what we talked about over dinner. It was the first time I had connected to a man in years. He just understood things right away. Non-pretentious, smart, affectionate… and the hot accent.

I was drunk.

He felt bad that I didn’t want to drink the rest of the evening. I told him I would need to take him home and drive back… he suggested we go back to his hotel.

I held back.

I couldn’t bare going back to his room and sleeping with him and then having him disappear. I didn’t want to fuck it up like I had so many other situations and then punish myself by giving myself to him and having him turn into a guy and shut down.

As we sat in the pub, I knew I wanted to be alone with him. He asked me about kids.

I held back.

The clock neared 11. I didn’t want to ring in the New Year with all these people. I really did want to go back to his room and kiss him at midnight.

We took the champagne he bought from the pub and grabbed hotel glasses down at the bar. When we ran into his crew, he did not introduce me. I introduced myself. I knew that was a bit of a signal, but again, it was one night. How could I expect anything else?

He turned the television on. He poured the drinks. He had me sit in his lap.

I can’t remember if I leaned in to kiss him or if it was a mutual pull. Honestly.

I was drunk.

Then I kissed him again at midnight. And we were on the bed.

You get the picture.

Now, at several points during this evening he said he could grab a condom. I had to stop it from getting that far. Because it went further than I had planned. And I was totally native ie. bushy ie. unkempt. Surprisingly, he didn’t seem to care.

I think at some point I slurred, “But I want to see you again.”

He said that I would see him again.

I tried to block my girl brain. Tried so hard.

I think at some point as he spooned me, he told me I was wonderful. I think he used the term “lovely bum”, “lovely pussy”, “lovely boobies” - I think I laughed and had to ask for translation a few times.

I wanted to fuck him and it was so hard to stop but I couldn’t, it didn’t feel right.

I just needed to know if it was real.

He literally licked me in the bum. Wow. New for me.

He came. I couldn’t.

Because if I fell for him hard and he was over 7,000 miles away… the pain. Fuck. The Pain.

Conveniently, I had to pick up my mother at the airport. I was able to leave in the morning and be the one to leave.

The texts became sparse and he has no idea if he will be making an LA or SF route next month although he ended up in NYC and Vancouver.

We Skyped last week and had a good time, but he ended the conversation. I think I foolishly rambled about how my engaged friend from India moved to Philly to be with someone and he broke it off because she wanted to settle in India and he wanted to be in the U.S. Foolish girl rambler. 

He suggested we talk before my interview in SF next week. 

I am not sure if he means it. I want him to mean it.

During dinner the girl thoughts of “I could marry him”, “Have his children” started racing through my mind. And trust me, none of the men I have dated in the last 6-7 years have brought up those thoughts.

And then these thoughts… pilot… based in Hong Kong… multiple cities… also run through my mind.

But in the vein of maturity, or lack thereof, I have decided to do a coffee date … with someone else before SF. I sort of don’t want to. It feels kind of like cheating. But how can I cheat when this isn’t even technically a relationship? I wouldn’t want to get hung up on him or be too available to him, when I want him so badly and am not sure how badly he wants me.

I should probably stop writing Pilot. Probably. I mean if he’s not even going to be back in California, why should I try?

He would simply be a ghost. A fantasy. An apparition.

When all I want is for him… this… to be real.

Codename: Chef

Location: Cleo

Website: HowAboutWe

I really had given up on HowAboutWe. First, the composer who was exposed to a girl with herpes, the eyeroller and then a guy who was actually married with a kid- creepy.

Then Chef reached out and at first, I wouldn’t normally go out with someone who had several earrings/earplugs in his ears with his head shaved. Normally, I am not drawn to that type, but I couldn’t ignore Chef’s expressiveness and at age 36, I would rather have a man who wants to take me to dinner and has the maturity to be direct about wanting a relationship.

And this was the case with Chef. I worried he might be too clingy to the imagination of who he throught I was as online profiles are not people. He suggested tapas at Cleo’s and I was delighted!

I was thrown off on the day of our date because I had recieved word from the job I finally got, that they were ending my contract at the end of the year and that there was nothing, and I mean nothing that I could do about it. It sucked.

But I was immediately impressed by the way he held himself. Finally, I was out on a date with a man. I felt really lucky.

But as always, I held my mind with a certain skepticism, I had just met him and did not want to be drawn in without knowing all the things I needed to know.

I wasn’t even sure if I was attracted to him yet. I needed some time. I also needed to get my life together.

When he walked me to my car, we simply hugged and I got a thank you text. He sent me daily e-mails, which I worried might be too clingy, because he wanted to hang out again on Saturday.

So we went on a hike, which was exhausting, I brought a small picnic. I guess I was still trying to figure out if he was someone I wanted to have sex with and if there were any ghosts in his closet. I confessed that I was still living with my parents due to a poor economy (yes, I still live with my parents and no it is not a sign of an extended childhood, it sucks and as soon as I get a job where I can afford to move out, I’m out).

Then I found out he didn’t have a car. Oy. Vey.

In L.A. cars are paramount to dating and forming relationships. And very specifically to just getting around everywhere.

But I couldn’t just write him off. He was a chef, he took care of himself, he had just moved back from New Zealand. He even offered to cook for me. How could I refuse a third date. I was a bit thrown when he texted that he liked me a lot and that I was a cool person. I felt like that was too soon. And that he wanted to hang out the next day. I was like, slow it down buddy.

And then lives begin to speed up. I was busy hustling for a job. His holiday season started to pick up. I e-mailed him and he was less responsive.

But here’s the good news. I’m not freaking out.

To anyone who is feeling this shitty economy:

I want to let you know that if you have lost a job or have left a job due to poor work conditions, DON’T, I repeat DON’T let ANYONE make you feel like you’re not worthy. Don’t let anyone stigmatize you or alienate you or make you feel like you will never work again. Seriously, say “F**k off” (in your head, wouldn’t want to burn bridges :P) and know that maybe today, you don’t have a job, but if you hustle and I mean HUSTLE and keep your confidence and a good attitude, you WILL get another job.

Because that is exactly what happened to me. And I don’t like to give up. You shouldn’t either.

During my travels in Europe, no one ever cared or tried to make me feel bad because I wasn’t working. It was only until I returned to the United States that I felt the attitude- especially at the bank. Several tellers had the NERVE to ask me if I was working or ask me “what I used to do”. I took the high road and didn’t answer them instead of snapping at them, because it is no one’s business.

And if no one wants to date you or take you seriously because you are currently “unemployed” and not because you are flaky or a deadbeat - repeat the same advice. Just an idea.

Folks, I have no idea why I do the things I do. Why am I such a sucker for giving people second chances? To be honest, I really did want to get laid. But even though that was the case, I really am not wired to just get down. Too many sketchy experiences.

So I had been texting back and forth with Mr. Venice. But the energy was kind of lame. Finally he closed in a very short amount of time and suggested we hang out. I was bored.

But once again, this leaves me back at his place. Things started well enough. He had been working all day, so I rubbed his temples. I asked him what we were going to do, he said he had a plan. I thought ‘Cool’. I like it when guys come up with plans on the fly.

He stroked my leg. Then he had me turn on my stomach and he rubbed my back and stroked his beard all over my body.

He was really good.

Then of course it got physical- and yes of course, I enjoyed it. Then it got to the point where he was stroking me and wanted to put his hand in my pants. I was not shaved and definitely not wanting to cross the line, I just needed to hang out with him a bit before it got to that point.

I took his hand and gently stopped him. I looked up and he…

Rolled his eyes.

I frowned, “Did you just give me an eyeroll?”

He said, “Yes, yes I did. I’m a guy and foreplay is great but if no one get’s off what’s the point?”

I got up and put on my bra.

“Are you mad?” He asked.

“No, not at all.”

“You are mad.”

“Well, I just don’t want to…”

“…Lead me on.”

“I don’t really know what your expectations are here.”

“Look, I’m not going to force you to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“Okay…”

He put me on his lap and we did the make-up hug. Then awkward silence.

Then we started up again and once again, I took this much farther than I originally wanted it to go. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy doing it, but without feeling like I knew him at all or gaining a friendship with him, I just felt like this was going to go to shit and wasn’t going to be this fun thing. Especially when the fucker didn’t respect me.

We did end up doing his plan, which was going to First Fridays which was cool- but then he said, “Let me know if you want anything.”

He decided on another food truck and I was too proud to ask him to pay for me, but when he came to greet me, before I got my food, he didn’t even offer or insist when he had invited me and HE was the one who got off that evening.

And then we sat eating and he didn’t even want to have a conversation with me. He walked me to my car but I was like, “You are such a dick.”

I gave him a hug but I knew I wasn’t going to try again with him.

It was such a disappointment, because I would have fucked his brains out. He seemed like such a nice guy at first and it wasn’t as if I was asking for anything serious, just proper treatment.

I am tired of guys thinking they can get away with behaving like this. And I need to stop getting so physical so early, even though I really want to. The sad truth is, these guys can not handle it. Their brain goes dead when they get off.

I was helping out at this arts camp I used to work with before I committed myself to the world of entertainment. It was fun to be back in a familiar world. Then one day after I had texted Mr. Venice when I had gone to a party down the street and we didn’t meet up, he texted me to hang out to see if I wanted to go to the beach. I felt like since he had been so nice last time, it sounded like fun.

It was a bummer that when I got to Venice it was overcast so we hung out in his apartment. Now after all the casual relationships, I kind of knew that perhaps this was not the tone I wanted to set, even if there was no intention of  a relationship on either side.

But when I met up with him, he was wearing glasses and the buzzers in my head went off and I realized I kind of was attracted to him. He seemed so nice. He even made me a cup of coffee the old fashioned way.

We hung out on the couch and talked for a bit and then I suggested after playing Playstation, that we should go out and take a walk. The energy kind of died, then when we went back he told me he had to do laundry in like an hour.

I was really okay with that, when I sat on the couch he let me look at his tattoo on the upper part of his arm, which I could read even though it was written backwards. Then the energy picked up.

Then he got a call from work. Which was fine. Because when he was done he sat back down with me… needless to say this turned into making out. I actually really enjoyed it. It was really hot.

But I could see this was going way too far too fast and I just was not ready to take it there. When I said, “Stop.” He said, “Don’t stop?” And then I had to say it again.

We then had “The Talk”. Which after all these years I have learned, especially after encountering someone online who might have contracted something, no matter who you sleep with, you gotta have “The Talk”. 

So he summed up “Not serious”, “Sex with exclusivity” and when someone else entered the picture, to just be friends.  Which actually didn’t sound terrible to me.

So we made out some more. I kept my pants on. Eventually, his came off, but he did that.

He was really hot, we made out standing with candles lit in the middle of his living room. 

As much as I wanted to go further, I knew I just couldn’t. But he stood there naked, “You can’t leave me like this.”

I gave him way much more than I should and in retrospect, I will probably never do that again.

He said everything in the book, “I will give you anything you want.” “I’m not looking to use you for just sex.” “I’m looking for a connection.”

And then at the end of the evening after he got his “cookie”, he started texting as he walked me back to my car. He had lent me a hoodie and when I almost forgot to give it back (and I would have given it back) he asked me if he could have it back to which he said, “No freebies, at least not yet.”

Woooooaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. You have got to be kidding me. No where in this whole thing did I ever display I was a taker or expected anything grand, except maybe a simple friendship. And then he didn’t even bother with a follow-up text.

So among the new people I met through How About We, who I thought was decent, he lived in Venice. We met up, walked the boardwalk, had a good chat and he bought a coconut for us to share. We sat on the beach and talked and then we went to his place (during the day) to have a drink.

Now my sensors went off here, I was not in the mood for, “I want booty and nothing else.”

But I didn’t want a serious relationship. I was looking for a job in a shitty economy, all this crap went down earlier in the year and all I wanted was to get back on track.

And  I wasn’t sure I was attracted to him. I was a bit hung up on Agent. Silly me.

So after two hours, I decided to call it and he was nice enough to walk me to my car. I thought he is a nice guy, mayyyybe I will see him again.

So I started going on this new website called “How About We”. It started in New York and then came out to L.A. I found the profile of this really cute guy and turned out he was a half-Aussie, half Brit composer who was moving to L.A. We had chatted back and forth but his stay in London kept being extended.

One night I was having coffee with a friend and a friend of hers who I had recently been introduced to. I tell them about the guy who I was planning on meeting and then my friend’s friend goes, “Wait, what’s his name?” I told her…

“Oh he’s dating my friend. They had sex on the first date with a condom. But she has herpes and hasn’t told him.”

I kid you not ladies and gentleman.

And the worst part was, that girl had no intention of telling him. Which, if he did catch it from her, since herpes is spread by contact, so even with a condom there was a risk, he could have sex and unknowingly spread it.

The friend begged me not to tell. I was backed into a corner and didn’t know what to do. I thought I would never write to him again.

Then he wrote me and I couldn’t help it. I had to give him a heads up. It was unfair to be in this situation and even more wrong that he had no idea that he could have been exposed.

So in as general as a manner as I could, I told him he should probably make a visit to his physician.

To which he was offended and said I had incorrect facts and so I had to reply with more concrete terms of the situation while still being vague and keeping names anonymous. I felt terrible, I had wanted to meet him but who wants to meet someone who hooks up with a girl and isn’t sure about her “situation”. Meeting someone online who has herpes and doesn’t tell you - my worst fear and was I lucky I was given a heads up.

But he went forward and sent my email to the girl and her friend is pissed at me, which I felt was immature for the very simple reason that if no one told him, he would not go to the doctor to make sure he was alright and be sure he wasn’t passing on something that no one can rid themselves of. Should I have sent an anonymous e-mail? Maybe. Would have he taken it as seriously? Not so sure.